Allergens Incarnate

By Carr, C., D

Book Id: WPLBN0100751326
Format Type: PDF (eBook)
File Size: 101.88 KB.
Reproduction Date: 5/8/2026

Title:	Allergens Incarnate
Author:	Carr, C., D
Volume:	Volume 1
Language:	English
Subject:	Fiction, Kids book, Humor , Allergies
Collections:	Authors Community, Humor and Satire
Historic Publication Date:	2026
Publisher:	C.D Carr Productions

Member Page:	cam crr
Citation APA MLA Chicago Carr, C. D. (2026). Allergens Incarnate. Retrieved from https://gutenberg.cc/

Description
The Setup The story begins at 5:29 PM at the DFQ (Dairy Free Queen) supermarket. The protagonist, Bobby Benson, is a young boy obsessed with the stock market and the time. While his mother, Janice, shops, Bobby manages to save his fortune by pulling his investments out of AC Inc. (the Allergen Council) just as the company’s stock plummets due to a "cult-based scandal." The Locked-In Scenario An Australian voice over the intercom announces the store is closing and locking all shoppers inside. The voice suggests they find a tiny supply closet to "survive," or pay a specific amount of "Somethings" (the story's fictional currency) to "not not die." The story begins at 5:29 PM at the DFQ (Dairy Free Queen) supermarket. The protagonist, Bobby Benson, is a young boy obsessed with the stock market and the time. While his mother, Janice, shops, Bobby manages to save his fortune by pulling his investments out of AC Inc. (the Allergen Council) just as the company’s stock plummets due to a "cult-based scandal." The Locked-In Scenario An Australian voice over the intercom announces the store is closing and locking all shoppers inside. The voice suggests they find a tiny supply closet to "survive," or pay a specific amount of "Somethings" (the story's fictional currency) to "not not die." Once the lights go out, the store becomes a house of horrors where dairy-free products come to life.

Summary
Allergens Incarnate is a surreal, absurdist short story that blends corporate satire, meta-fiction, and dark humor

Excerpt
ALLERGENS INCARNATE This work is licensed under CC0 1.0 Universal. The person who associated a work with this deed has dedicated the work to the public domain by waiving all of his or her rights to the work worldwide under copyright law, including all related and neighboring rights, to the extent allowed by law. You can copy, modify, distribute and perform the work, even for commercial purposes, all without asking permission. Allergens Incarnate Bobby Benson was at the DFQ (Dairy Free Queen) super market with his mom, Janice at 5:29 pm (Bobby hated grocery stores. And kept a close record of what time it was.) when he heard a voice. Note: Bobby didn't really hear the voice, he was too busy watching the stock market (his investments in AC inc were skyrocketing due to a new MFMD (Meat Free McDonald's) opening.) In the following seconds the stocks on AC inc plummeted well below 0 dollars in return on investment. (There seemed to be some sort of cult-based scandal going down in court.) End of Note. Bobby quickly removed all his money from the investment account and thankfully, the stocks were still worth three somethings. Note: Forty Nothings = One Something Forty Somethings = One Substantial Amount of Cash. End of Note. “Hello shoppers,” it said, with a thick Australian accent, “the DFQ super market is now closed. Let me see…” his voice drained out. “Ah, yes, I see there are five of you in there. I do hope all of you survive, not that you are in any danger. But I will be leaving now and locking all the doors and windows, and there is one hiding place, which is in the corner over there.” Bobby looked ‘over there’ and saw a small supply closet about the size of a shopping cart. “The safe space will fit two skinny people, one normal sized person, or half a fat person,” the voice continued. “Or you can pay 3.1415926 Somethings to not not die, er not like you would die… I like pi.” The voice stuttered. “Goodbye, I sincerely hope you survive.” The voice cut off, and Bobby heard a slamming sound as all the windows locked down. Bobby felt shivers go up his spine. At least the lights were still on. The lights clicked off. ********* Teresa Guildamond heard the message, but didn't care. The lights were off, she had a flashlight, just try me For she was at DFQ! Dairy free heaven! She immediately went to the coolers for some almond milk. While she was drinking it, she felt someone watching her. She looked over and saw a gallon of almond milk. Phew, no problem, she thought. The almond milk seemed to be growing arms and legs. Teresa yelled, “HELP ME!” No one heard. The lights clicked on. ********* Janice didn't hear Teresa's outcry and didn't rush over to help her friend, but where the scream didn't come from, there wasn't a gallon of almond milk, with eyes… ********* Janice ran to the supply closet, where she saw Bobby covered in cash . “Mom. I got a good ROI!” He said Janice looked behind her, because she heard a snarl and saw an ice cream bar. That was not the last thing she ever saw, as it bit her head off in a very cap-off-bottle kind of way. The last thing she saw was the ice cream bar's tongue. Bobby did not see anything because after he saw what was behind his mom, he ran at the wall. Where else was there to run? he walked right through the wall… Note: This was not a wall. Please do not get confused about wether or not Bobby can walk through walls. He can not. There is no way I would ever give my characters powers or abilities. Other than exceptionally large pockets. End of Note. ********* Randall and Marg were browsing the aisles, biding their time, until closing when they finally heard the announcement. They had orders to follow. They walked out the door, using their passcode (Z9T5ERY7I8 of course) When they got out, they laughed and laughed, because they had paid the Australian man to say all that rubbish. The Allergen Council demanded it. Note: If Randall and Marg were to succeed in their mission, well I wouldn't be here anymore. As the creator of Allergens Incarnate I control the world, and AC Inc for some reason wants to hold me hostage for villanizing their “beautiful” corporation. (They truly are the villains here don't you think?) End of Note. ********* Bobby Benson found himself in a maze, which was made by AC Inc. because of a philosophical problem, where the famous philosopher A D Ummy decided that directions were relative. And left was the only true way to do mazes; the maze was easily solved by only turning left. Note: Bobby was avoiding a large headache here, as he didn't know of A D Ummy. But Teresa did and was rolling around in her milky grave. End of Note. At the end of the maze, he came to a small antechamber where a quite large lady with a crown that said DFQ sat. “I am the Dairy Free Queen. Now, bow down to me,” she said casually with a thick southern drawl. ********* “Nope,” Bobby replied, “no way” “Yes,” the DFQ said, “you will.” “No. No I won't.” “Yes you will ” “No ×infinity!” Bobby reached into his pocket for his secret weapon, a bazooka! Except a bazooka is quite large, and hard to put in a pocket, not to mention pull out of a pocket, so Bobby took an hour to get his bazooka out of his pocket. Bobby carefully aimed it at the DFQ’s head. The DFQ watched in shock as Bobby's fingers slowly closed around the trigger. Pow! A loud noise erupted out of seemingly nowhere. Note: The noise was the climax of a battle between two toasters, who were fighting over the last sugar cube from Jupiter. The elder toaster, who had a bazooka too, shot the younger toaster in the groin, resulting in a loud sound that was heard 5000 miles away at DFQ. But the DFQ didn't perish from the dry-fired bazooka shot! But Bobby had a backup plan. He grabbed a random piece of ammo from his pocket, loaded it into his bazooka, cocked it, and fired out an iPhone. The iPhone hit the DFQ squarely in the head. She crumpled to the ground, yelling, “Thank goodness it wasn't an android! Also, you may have defeated me, but you'll NEVER SURVIVE THE FULL COUNCIL!” ********* Bobby watched in shock as the DFQ crumbled into dust. Leaving only an IPhone in her wake. Bobby picked it up, and watched youtube, until It was 5 AM and when the market opened, Bobby finished his youtube video on narwhals and their relations to the president and mass brainwashing. Note: The video was a classic from 2011, when Propaganda Pete made his breakthrough with his astonishing video, This Is Big-Time Propaganda. (The video only got seventeen views in the first ten years; it wasn't until 2021 that Pete's video was discovered by the president, who decided to share it on BookFace. The video agreed with president Brock Jamyon's views and so the Republicans went wild. But Propaganda Pete had been executed by the king of Sweden for contrary views. So only Conspiracy Carl was left to take up the mantle of Propaganda Pete. Conspiracy Carl did an astonishing job as the new Child-scarer. And quickly obtained 42 million subscribers.) The narwhals did not do anything. To provoke the video. End of Note. Bobby left the store, he did not buy anything from this sleazy establishment. But he DID go to GFBK, because he was hungry, and wanted breakfast, and also he had 500000000 dollars from the stock market. (As opposed to BK, GFBK was a high end restaurant, with the cheapest burger costing 1€ (yes Euros.) ) So Bobby was definitely going there with his new money. Bobby sat down, and ordered, of course, after going to a currency exchange to get Euros. Bobby settled down to wait for his food. Acknowledgements: Thank you first, to God. Next goes to my Editor, Esther Whetzel people sometimes say that they have hit the jackpot on editors, this is not so for me. Esther once said, this, and I quote, “It is not my job to edit your paper.” Note: I really have hit the jackpot, don't you think? Then come my Beta and Alpha readers for book one: Brooks and Brynn Shrock, Braydon, Wendell, and Dorcas Hess, Lynette Layman, Martha, Wilson, Bennett, and David Carr, Becca, Joe Slagell, Keturah Whetzel, and Micheal Somerville. Thank you all from the mid section of my abdomen. Allergens Incarnate Bobby Benson was at the DFQ (Dairy Free Queen) super market with his mom, Janice at 5:29 pm (Bobby hated grocery stores. And kept a close record of what time it was.) when he heard a voice. Note: Bobby didn't really hear the voice, he was too busy watching the stock market (his investments in AC inc were skyrocketing due to a new MFMD (Meat Free McDonald's) opening.) In the following seconds the stocks on AC inc plummeted well below 0 dollars in return on investment. (There seemed to be some sort of cult-based scandal going down in court.) End of Note. Bobby quickly removed all his money from the investment account and thankfully, the stocks were still worth three somethings. Note: Forty Nothings = One Something Forty Somethings = One Substantial Amount of Cash. End of Note.

Table of Contents
Allergens Incarnate